Time for Parenting...

...because raising children is a full-time job

October 2004 Newsletter

A Free Family

Jackie Fearnley

When my husband and I first met, we were postgraduate students in London, spending all our spare time going to meetings and protests and generally being involved in the ferment of the late sixties. We eventually married and moved to Yorkshire and had our first baby, whom we decided to bring up with these same self-regulatory principles, trusting in the essential goodness of the child, who would develop and flourish as long as we provided the right atmosphere and were prepared to follow her lead.

Of course in the event our ideals gradually had to be tempered by the realities of the situation. Breastfeeding when she needed it did not lead to automatic sleep - we had to take a little more control of the situation. It was not all right to have all the attention when other brothers and sisters came along. Other people's needs had to be respected - but this idea of the special importance of the early years as a time of comparative freedom remained central to our thinking.

As we continued to play and work with our children we gradually realized that school would seem an unnecessary - or even harmful - intrusion into their purposeful lives. We helped to establish the organisation Education Otherwise - a support group for home educating families - and set up a local group for our area. Having friends who broadly shared similar philosophies was a great source of encouragement, particularly if faced with people worrying that our children would somehow not fit in to society, that they would grow up illiterate or still sleep in our bedroom when they were 21.

In the meantime we had also met the work of Rudolf Steiner, and we were particularly drawn to the way in which the year now became even more of a rhythmic succession of celebrations and festivals that the children absolutely revelled in. Fairy tales acquired new levels of meaning and our belief in the importance of a healthy diet was reinforced. The primacy given to the role of the parents in the creation of a rich home life and the provision of the right circumstances for the unfolding of each child's particular talents and personality was sustaining. We had also noticed that the questions our children asked were often serious attempts to understand where they really came from and what was the foundation of their life. They did not want superficial mechanical answers to these deep questions.

I hope this account does not sound too high minded or humourless. Fun, jokes, games and playing have taken a central place in our family life (and still do). I would often put playing before cleaning - though not before cooking! -in my mental priority list - though I have to say that sometimes it was hard to enter wholeheartedly into acting out Robin Hood or accepting an invitation to a dolls' tea party when cleaning the bathroom might seem just as important - and in many ways easier.

We often used to joke that bringing up children is the best and cheapest form of therapy there is. It finds out your weaknesses, gives you problems you have to solve out of your inner resources and forces you to develop in ways you might not have imagined. It can also be turned into a form of meditation - learning to be there in the moment and to find the positive element in all situations.

It is no good thinking you can get it right all the time, but keeping open the channels of communication - talking to teenagers about the things that really interest them, rather than putting pressure on them to succeed academically or in any other way of our choosing - that seemed the hardest and most worthwhile job. The creation of a family is hard work but perhaps more important than we can imagine. It has become harder now that parents are not even supported in their instinctive feeling that they should be 'there' for their children.

One of the most comforting and exciting pieces of information I have discovered recently is Rudolf Steiner's reminder that it is not so much our actions as our thoughts that will form the future shape of society. There are so many forces now undermining the integrity of childhood and family life that I can see how hard it is for the next generation to carry on this vital task. They need all the support and encouragement they can get. This is why I consider my subscription to FTM one of the most important items in my budget - and it's late!